Sunny Day
by The Mysterious Q
Summary: My entry for Day 2 of Winter/Jacin ship weeks.


**Author's Note: This is set in a modern AU, so no crazy Lunar battle.**

 **And without further ado, here's the story.**

* * *

 _It was a week before they gave her paper._

* * *

Dear Jacin,

I'm in the mental hospital right now. I've been there already, for when the walls bled and my wrists turned to ice. They diagnosed me with these words, Schizophrenia and Psychosis, and then they gave me medication. A year ago, they finally found one that worked.

And you were elated. You were never embarrassed or afraid of me, because you never defined me by labels. But there was a whole new world of possibilities, free of hallucinations and delusion. And so I walked in them- no, not walked, but skipped and danced and sang- and you were there the whole time, holding my hand, guiding me.

But now I'm back again, and this time, I don't know why.

* * *

Dear Jacin,

I still don't know why I'm here.

The doctor says I'm allowed to continue writing these notes, as long as I _try_ to remember. I don't know what he means by that, but okay.

I have no memories untainted with hatred and jealousy. Perhaps that isn't surprising, considering the lives that we have lived. We lived in extreme conditions, where there was no in between. Like we lived on a drug all the time, and after the highs there would be low, low, lows. Even when we were little, most of my memories were unkind.

It's an instance where logic is not necessarily beautiful. Because shouldn't we have something positive to remember back when life was simple and unknowing? Just a smidge to reminisce with? Or did we live our entire lives in pain and terror?

No wonder you pretended to become unfeeling. To put an iron safe around a paper heart that had been bruised and torn and stepped on your entire life.

But I remember when we were four, and it was this beautiful sunny day. We were outside and playing our favorite game, the one where I pretended to be the princess of the moon, and you pretended to be my guard.

Roleplay had nothing on us.

I had all the dresses in the world to wear, and necklaces so ornate they could've served as tiaras, but instead, I draped curtains over my play clothes and wove a circlet of flowers into my hair. The point of the game was never for me to rule.

Remember? We built this alternate, sci-fi reality together, of an inhabited moon that was beautiful and broken, and we'd discuss our relations with Earth and make up a world that was quite obviously flawed. Usually my cousin Selene would come to play with us, and we dragged her into our little game, making her the future queen of the moon. A future queen that wore cargo pants and combat boots.

And then there was Levana, the girl next door, your older sister. She hated you, and therefore hated me. You came to my house a lot to escape her, and it worked until she barged into our game.

Ripped the flowers out of my hair.

Slapped you.

Called Selene words that no four year old should have to hear.

And made herself queen.

* * *

Dear Jacin,

I tried to call you, but you didn't pick up. Are you grounded or something?

Anyway. We grew up together, sharing inside jokes and secrets, celebrating each other's birthdays and trying to top each other's Christmas presents. We were bound together by fear, _what will Levana do next?_ You were so many things- my best friend, the boy I loved, the wish a faraway star heard and granted.

And there was Levana, making all of our lives miserable. As we grew older, there was more Levana could do. She wielded a sharper knife, and made deeper cuts. She made powerful friends, and was the teacher's pet. She had everyone under her control, but those she chose to bully would be scarred for life.

I remember everything- Levana chose who got tossed to the bottom of the social ladder. Selene, who Levana had always hated. A girl named Cress with her pale blonde hair and watery blue eyes that Levana enjoyed humiliating. Scarlet, who'd dared to stand up for Selene and got punished for it. Ze'ev, who'd continued dating Scarlet anyway.

They've stayed strong, anyway. They hold out hopes for better times. They're going to go to fabulous colleges- they're all geniuses at what they do- and are going to change the world with their brilliance. Because there will be _better times_ when popularity simply doesn't matter, and knowledge and kindness will. Levana has tried to break them, but it's not going to happen.

But you and I… we broke. Someday we will heal, but it will never be the same.

There was that day in middle school, and I can still remember it like it was yesterday. I remember when I still wanted Levana's approval, like it mattered. I seeked friendship with her, or at least a reconciling. I wanted her to stop making my life miserable so that I could _live._

I was at the park near our home, sitting on a swing and doing some math homework. Levana and a few of her minions showed up, and my eyes went wide. Maybe they'd just call me some bad words this time and leave. That was the best case scenario.

But instead, this happened.

"Hey Winter!" Levana called out. "Come join us!"

And because I was a mechanical toy whose string had been pulled, I walked over to them, drawn by a magnetic force.

And it was surreal, because Levana showed her the side that I'd never witnessed before, charismatic and sweet and deadly interesting. Here was the side that drew people to her like bees to honey, that wrapped countless people around her little finger. She made me feel special, like I was the only person that mattered. Her aura, her voice, her eyes, a glamour that could manipulate me to do _anything._

So she and I spent the afternoon together, and because she pretended to adore me, her minions did too. She apologized to me, and cried, and said that she'd changed. Rome wasn't built in a day, but our friendship was, or at least a very convincing illusion. Until I found her holding out a knife to me.

"We all had to go through the initiation process," she said, voice sweeter than honey. "Just three scars, okay? To prove our _forever_ friendship."

And my eyes wide, I did. Dragged the knife from eye to cheek, three times. I felt the blood and the sting, but none of that hurt as much as the betrayal. Levana's betrayal, and my betrayal to myself- the stupid hope that this would really work.

Or maybe it was a reminder, carved into my flesh. But after that afternoon, Levana never tortured me again. The scars were enough, and as my mentality began to break down, Levana simply watched and pretended to be my friend.

She knew that I knew she was not. But I was under her power now, helpless to do anything about it.

* * *

Dear Jacin,

When you saw the scars, your eyes went really wide and a single tear fell out, but that wasn't as bad as the desperation and hopelessness.

I was your princess. And you were my guard.

I didn't know about it for a long time, but you put scars on your arms to match mine.

* * *

Dear Jacin,

I wish that the first time you kissed me was a better experience. I wish that we'd been on a beach, or party, or that it had been super cute and romance novel-esque, and was something I could tell our children about in later years.

Nevertheless, it was with you, and that's what made it one of the best moments of my entire life.

Levana found out about your scars, and she scathingly told the entire school about them. Rumors about your self harm drifted through the hallways, and you were relentlessly bullied over the internet.

As for me? I finally couldn't hide the insanity anymore. Voices whispered to me at night, shadows crawled under the bed, and there was blood, blood everywhere. Blood on the walls and on my wrists, and sometimes the blood would flood and you and I would drown in it. I could hear Levana laughing as we choked and gagged.

We got sent to the mental hospital at around the same time. We were both restrained and were "in" patients. We were dressed in the itchy hospital gowns and ate the tasteless meals.

I was sent psychiatrist after psychiatrist, given medication after medication. So were you, but you pretended that they were all working even though they weren't. You got sent home earlier.

But I stayed there for months on end, because when the blood came, I couldn't stop the screaming. When they finally found a medication that clicked, I cried with relief. When I could see the world like it was, and it was _beautiful._ And _clean._ And _new._

And so when I came home, the first thing I wanted to see was you, to make sure that I hadn't been hallucinating you the entire time. When I laid eyes on you, my first thought was _the medication didn't work, did it? You're still depressed. You still harm yourself. You need to go back before you commit suicide._

But I was wrong, obviously. I must've just imagined that- silly me. Because your face lit up when you saw me, and you held your arms out to me, and I walked into them imagining the chaste hugs that are rewards.

But no. You kissed me, and I'd dream about it for ages afterwards. Your arms encircled my waist, and you let me put my hands in your hair, and you-

You-

You said, "I can die happy now."

* * *

Dear Jacin,

No no no no no no no no no no no no.

* * *

Dear Jacin,

YOU CAN'T. You can't be dead and no matter what anyone else says you can't be you can't be you can't be.

Please just call me again, please let the phone ring, please let it be you.

Please?

Please say I dreamed your funeral, that when I saw your dead body, it was a hallucination.

Please tell me you hadn't been hoarding Potassium Cyanide while I was at the hospital.

Please just come over and kiss me again, so that I know you're not dead and that we have a future together.

Please.

* * *

Dear Jacin,

Is it my fault?

Oh god.

It is my fault.

I killed you.

* * *

Dear Jacin,

I'll see you soon.

* * *

Dear Jacin,

Maybe it was a dream, but you were here today. You were there, by my bedside, holding my hand. _Don't die because of me,_ you said. _I want you to live, and get better._

Fine. But don't expect me to forget you.

* * *

Dear Jacin,

You can't be dead, because I see you everywhere. I see flashes of your blonde hair, and you opening the locker next to mine. I can hear your voice, and we have the most amazing conversations. When I'm in class and I don't know the answer, you tell me. You take my hand when I have writer's block, and you inspire my next words.

You can't be. But you are, and my mind refuses to believe it. I'm out of tears by now.

I'm outside when I'm writing this to you, and the sky is sunny and blue, the color of your eyes.

It's a beautiful day.

* * *

 _He's a figment of her imagination, and a ghost with unfinished business._

 _She kept her promise to live, and to never forget him. There was that one time when her sheer longing willed him into existence- at Selene and Kai's wedding. But she hasn't written to him for years, and she's finally stopped seeing him everywhere. It's better that way- Jacin is glad she's happy._

 _Sometimes he reads the letters over, especially the last line. "It's a beautiful day."_

 _Not as beautiful as you, princess._


End file.
